So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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