Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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