checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
