I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
