She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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