My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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