We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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