On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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