Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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