i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
