Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
