I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
