I wish my penis had an off switch
I have demons in me.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
