made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
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