My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
