Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
