Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
