He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
