You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
