he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
