Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
