Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
