I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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