can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
