Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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