its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
