Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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