We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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