So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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