Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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