So drunk its hurt
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
