there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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