That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize