there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
