Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
