I hate all girls vehemently.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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