"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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