I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
