If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
