Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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