I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
farters have to be the big spoon...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
