Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
And then he peed in my hair
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