I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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