this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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