My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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