i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
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