Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
