that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize