Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
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