roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
