Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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