the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
