were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
