If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
