Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week đ
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing âHappy Birthdayâ to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, âWhy didnât you sing along?!?â I responded, âI donât know him. I donât give a shit if he has a happy birthday.â
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
