I cockslap morals
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
