dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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