made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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