I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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