i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
