I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
This baby is an asshole
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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